Note to self

"If everyone is tested, then why some people seem like they have it 'all figured out' compared to me?"

Well, maybe some people are just good in hiding their struggles. And more importantly, maybe our stories are not meant to be compared at all 

I think I finally get it. Life will never be calm. Life will never be free of disturbance or turbulence. It just doesn't work that way. 

"Verily we created man into toil and struggle" (90:4). This is what has been promised to us. We need to learn to accept the fact that this life is meant to test us with things that are scary, uncertain and makes us feel very confused. 

Yes, life is full of struggles but our faith equips us with the strength to face the hardships. We need to stop searching for treasures of paradise here because it is only a place to test us. We need to find ways to stay afloat despite feeling drowned. 

"People can take so many things from us; our belongings, our homes, and even the souls of people we love. They can ransack our lives and leave us with what seems like nothing. But they can't steal our hope or the opportunities that God puts in our paths. They can do damage to our bodies, but they can never erase faith from our hearts." (A Place of Refuge, Asmaa Hussein)

May Allah grant us the clarity of mind to see and understand what He is showing to us and guiding us to. May Allah give us both ease and growth so we can finally accept and overcome whatever difficulties. 

"Peace be upon you for what you have patiently endured. And excellent is the final Home" (13:24)

Dewasa

"Semakin dewasa, saya juga semakin sedar bahawa pilihan hidup tidak hanya hitam dan putih, tidak hanya tentang kanan dan kiri. Lebih sering lagi, tidak hanya tentang diri sendiri." 

                                                                                                                                Excerpt from Bertumbuh

Makin mendewasa, kita makin sedar diri kita bukan hanya untuk kepunyaan dan kepuasan sendiri. Kita makin sedar, tanggungjawab akan sentiasa melebihi masa yang dipinjamkan kepada kita. Moga Tuhan redha atas usaha-usaha kecil kita dalam menunaikan tanggungjawab dan moga Tuhan ampunkan kita atas tanggungjawab yang masih belum dapat dipenuhi. 

Embracing it slowly

“Sayang, jangan tutup mata lagi, tengok lampu atas ni dulu”, said the doctor as I closed my eyes, while pointing at the blinding lights above me. I wanted to close my eyes, eager to escape the reality that was too scary for me to handle (and yes, the doctor called me sayang because she’s so sweet) 

Nervous? Yes. Overwhelmed? Most certainly. 

All the doctors and nurses in the operation theathre gathered around me to recite prayers before starting the procedure. Such a cool practice, i thought. At that time, I was using every ounce of strength left to hold my tears (i was touched by the prayers too!). 

Well, this is the moment Fatimah, you only have Allah to take care of you, حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل 

“Fatimah, saya masukkan ubat sekarang, pedih sikit tapi tahan ok, kamu mengucap dan selawat sampai tertidur ya?”, explained the anaesthetist. I just did as instructed. I could feel a gush of warm liquid entering my left arm through IV. I was asleep seconds after they injected the anaesthetic drugs (I'm not really sure what it is called 😬)

After God knows how long, I opened my eyes and I heard chatters around me but everything was pretty much a blur. The first sentence that i comprehend was “Nurse, patient nak muntah! Ambik bekas”, only to realise that the “patient” was actually me. *facepalm*

After I gained my consciousness, I vomitted a total of 8 times and the energy remained in my body was from the IV drip. 

The doctor explained that maybe my body isn’t responding well to the after effect of the anaesthetic gas and drugs. I’ve never felt any weaker in my entire life. Alhamdulillah, after some medication, my body responded well and I can slowly drink and eat as usual 😭 

Eating and drinking have been so routined that I fail to see it as a huge blessing prior to this incident. 

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, with His grace and mercy, I was recovering well the next day. If I were given the choice, I wouldn’t want to repeat any of this experience in my life, but I know I can only pray and indeed, Allah knows best for me. 

This little note is written for me to always remember this moment, to always appreciate the health that I’ve been blessed with. It’s an amanah so don’t take it for granted, I have to eat healthily and exercise regularly.

Allah’s wills prevail over anything and everything, so always ask from Him. Allah will always be there for you even during the scariest of times.

To Mama and others who've been with me, no amount of thank-yous would be enough to repay your endless support, du'a and for just being there with me throughout this journey. May Allah reward you deservingly.

Moga pada hari-hari yang mendatang, aku lebih bijak menggunakan nikmat kesihatan dan kesempatan waktu yang dititip olehMu. 

Dan moga aku sentiasa diberikan ilham untuk mensyukuri nikmat yang telah diberikan buatku, insyaAllah. 

Ramadan Kareem 💓

#tb

Few days ago I got the chance to spring clean my room. A rare chance since nowadays I would be flat after reaching home from work and class. Remind me why did I sign up to this again? Seriously can't wait for the end of this 9-month journey 

Okay so while spring cleaning, the most dangerous thing is to go through my albums and card/letters box. Mulalah nak start sentimental. 

But I guess a little throwback won't hurt, right? 

Rindu nak duduk 5 minutes away from each other

Rindu nak jogging (read: walking and taking pictures) during the cold winter 

Rindu nak pergi library (and compare kita bawak makanan apa? lol)

Rindu nak kongsi masalah dunia, nak dengar perspektif masing-masing

Rindu nak kejar train, travel and basically spend our weekend together

Indeed, to know each and every one of you is the greatest blessing in Nottingham. 

In hindsight, I can confidently say that He has chosen the perfect place for me during my 3-year degree. Your presence reinforces the fact that He only provides for us in the best way, every single time, mungkin kita je selalu tak perasan, or terlewat nak perasan. I still remember when we were so scared that we couldn't pull through that year, but everything turned out to be just fine alhamdulillah.  

I learned that we don't have to be identically similar to be able to work as a team

In fact, our differences has allowed us to unite in such a unique manner 

Thank you for letting me cross paths with these beautiful souls

Thank you for showing me how to be the bigger person

Thank you for allowing me experience different kind of love languages :P 

Thank you for making me understand the meaning of love and sacrifices

Thank you for being so subtle and soft when I need to improve on something 

No matter how much I miss them and Nottingham, I know it's impossible to relive the moments. 

To all of you and many other people that are very dear to me (you know who you are), may Jannah be the place where we finally meet. Moga kita dapat duduk sama-sama macam dulu but like 1000 times better :) 

May we always be reminded that whatever form of love that we may have experienced up until today, is only a glimpse of His infinite love. 

"Sahabat yang baik ialah wakil kasih sayang Tuhan"

Transition

This is dedicated for you who might be struggling or holding on to the last ounce of strength that you may have to face the uncertainties of tomorrow. 

Do know that you are not alone. 

This is for you, this is for us :)

——————————————————

I ponder a lot on this concept recently

A phase full of self-doubts & feeling of lacking 

But without which, we won’t be growing

And without which, we’d only be stagnating

Transition from a student to an employee

Transition to get used to lose your beloved family 

Transition to adapt with a new surrounding

Transition to deal with situations that are a bit tricky  

It’s normal to feel uncomfortable because you’re not used to it

By all means, aim high and put your 100% to commit

It’s perfectly normal to set a high expectation 

But please remember to show some self-compassion 

Don’t beat yourself up when you mess up 

It’s totally okay to fall short of such expectation, own your mistakes and move on

It’s very humbling (and maybe a little frustrating) to accept that the “best” version of you will still occasionally stumble

Perhaps our flaws exist to remind us to remain humble

Sometimes we can be our own biggest critic

If only we transform such criticisms to a more supportive narrative

Maybe we’ll be a lot steadier and calmer

The key is to learn to be at peace with your own progress
And to accept that we are, after all, only a human

You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay when you’re not

Slow down and notice your feelings

There are no “good” or “bad” feelings

Notice it, deal with it and take small steps every day to improve

“Dealing” doesn’t mean sweeping it under the carpet so it’s out of sight

It will resurface in a much uglier way if we keep on hiding it

Ponder on those feelings to understand, and not to force change 

I know it takes a whole lot of courage to be vulnerable, especially to your own self
But it is such a necessary step for your healing 

To all friends who have been (or are still) in a hard time

Massive kudos for surviving up until this point

Maybe you didn’t notice, but I believe you’ve only been stronger and wiser day by day

“Ujian datang ketika Dia tahu, kita butuh dikuatkan” [Merayakan Kegagalan, Fitriyani Syahrir]

He tries whom He loves, if only we knew :)

May He reward you abundantly for being patient all this while

We don't get to choose where we are going to be placed
Or what lessons He wants to teach
But have faith, as He never intends to hurt
and He is indeed the best to accommodate [Quran 23:29]

After all, 

Our whole life is in itself, a transition

Not just a mere transition, but one that leads to the eternal life

Where the perfection that we often seek really exists

So whatever circumstances that we had to face (or will be facing)

Just hang on a little bit more

Better things are indeed coming

Let's pray about it as much as we think about it :)

Doubts and decision

When I keep bothering my friends with the same question, again and again,

"come on Fatimah, I know you have your answer, right? Just doa ditetapkan hati, okay?"

I hate them because it's too accurate =.= 

But it's true though, sometimes people (me) just want affirmation, 

that it is going to be okay

that I can do it 

I don't want to be shortsighted and run away just because something seems hard. 

If I were to run away from the things that scare me, 

then I would not grow. 

Bismillah

just take that leap of faith and do what you feel is right :) 

p/s: work anniversary is soon..like wow sis you have gone this far (wipes lone tear but yeay more reason to treat myself). 

Testing my patience

When people treat me badly

I have to keep on reminding myself

I shouldn’t be mad 

They are not like that as a response of who i am or what i do 

They are like that because of who they are 

Their actions can only speak volume about themselves

Not me. Certainly not my worth. And not my value 

Hence i remind myself

I only need to respond kindly and not dramatically 

Because only *my response* can define *me*

Not their hurtful actions or words 

I have to assess the subject objectively 

although the words may seem hurtful 

Some people just dont know how to say things nicely

But that does not mean that I can totally dismiss their comments

In this world, I can’t expect everyone to speak my language

This will test your patience, so please be patient, with a beautiful patience

Also when people treat me badly 

It takes courage and so much strength to see beyond their actions and words 

If you look carefully, you’ll find deep scars

Well-hidden behind the attitude that they portray

Those that have never been healed 

Or once healed but then they bleed again for whatever reason

And sometimes i wonder 

To what extent do people deserve second chances? 

But then i suppose, as many times as I would want people to give me.