Note to self

"If everyone is tested, then why some people seem like they have it 'all figured out' compared to me?"

Well, maybe some people are just good in hiding their struggles. And more importantly, maybe our stories are not meant to be compared at all 

I think I finally get it. Life will never be calm. Life will never be free of disturbance or turbulence. It just doesn't work that way. 

"Verily we created man into toil and struggle" (90:4). This is what has been promised to us. We need to learn to accept the fact that this life is meant to test us with things that are scary, uncertain and makes us feel very confused. 

Yes, life is full of struggles but our faith equips us with the strength to face the hardships. We need to stop searching for treasures of paradise here because it is only a place to test us. We need to find ways to stay afloat despite feeling drowned. 

"People can take so many things from us; our belongings, our homes, and even the souls of people we love. They can ransack our lives and leave us with what seems like nothing. But they can't steal our hope or the opportunities that God puts in our paths. They can do damage to our bodies, but they can never erase faith from our hearts." (A Place of Refuge, Asmaa Hussein)

May Allah grant us the clarity of mind to see and understand what He is showing to us and guiding us to. May Allah give us both ease and growth so we can finally accept and overcome whatever difficulties. 

"Peace be upon you for what you have patiently endured. And excellent is the final Home" (13:24)

Dewasa

"Semakin dewasa, saya juga semakin sedar bahawa pilihan hidup tidak hanya hitam dan putih, tidak hanya tentang kanan dan kiri. Lebih sering lagi, tidak hanya tentang diri sendiri." 

                                                                                                                                Excerpt from Bertumbuh

Makin mendewasa, kita makin sedar diri kita bukan hanya untuk kepunyaan dan kepuasan sendiri. Kita makin sedar, tanggungjawab akan sentiasa melebihi masa yang dipinjamkan kepada kita. Moga Tuhan redha atas usaha-usaha kecil kita dalam menunaikan tanggungjawab dan moga Tuhan ampunkan kita atas tanggungjawab yang masih belum dapat dipenuhi. 

Embracing it slowly

“Sayang, jangan tutup mata lagi, tengok lampu atas ni dulu”, said the doctor as I closed my eyes, while pointing at the blinding lights above me. I wanted to close my eyes, eager to escape the reality that was too scary for me to handle (and yes, the doctor called me sayang because she’s so sweet) 

Nervous? Yes. Overwhelmed? Most certainly. 

All the doctors and nurses in the operation theathre gathered around me to recite prayers before starting the procedure. Such a cool practice, i thought. At that time, I was using every ounce of strength left to hold my tears (i was touched by the prayers too!). 

Well, this is the moment Fatimah, you only have Allah to take care of you, حسبنا الله ونعم الوكيل 

“Fatimah, saya masukkan ubat sekarang, pedih sikit tapi tahan ok, kamu mengucap dan selawat sampai tertidur ya?”, explained the anaesthetist. I just did as instructed. I could feel a gush of warm liquid entering my left arm through IV. I was asleep seconds after they injected the anaesthetic drugs (I'm not really sure what it is called 😬)

After God knows how long, I opened my eyes and I heard chatters around me but everything was pretty much a blur. The first sentence that i comprehend was “Nurse, patient nak muntah! Ambik bekas”, only to realise that the “patient” was actually me. *facepalm*

After I gained my consciousness, I vomitted a total of 8 times and the energy remained in my body was from the IV drip. 

The doctor explained that maybe my body isn’t responding well to the after effect of the anaesthetic gas and drugs. I’ve never felt any weaker in my entire life. Alhamdulillah, after some medication, my body responded well and I can slowly drink and eat as usual 😭 

Eating and drinking have been so routined that I fail to see it as a huge blessing prior to this incident. 

Alhamdulillah thumma alhamdulillah, with His grace and mercy, I was recovering well the next day. If I were given the choice, I wouldn’t want to repeat any of this experience in my life, but I know I can only pray and indeed, Allah knows best for me. 

This little note is written for me to always remember this moment, to always appreciate the health that I’ve been blessed with. It’s an amanah so don’t take it for granted, I have to eat healthily and exercise regularly.

Allah’s wills prevail over anything and everything, so always ask from Him. Allah will always be there for you even during the scariest of times.

To Mama and others who've been with me, no amount of thank-yous would be enough to repay your endless support, du'a and for just being there with me throughout this journey. May Allah reward you deservingly.

Moga pada hari-hari yang mendatang, aku lebih bijak menggunakan nikmat kesihatan dan kesempatan waktu yang dititip olehMu. 

Dan moga aku sentiasa diberikan ilham untuk mensyukuri nikmat yang telah diberikan buatku, insyaAllah. 

Ramadan Kareem 💓

#tb

Few days ago I got the chance to spring clean my room. A rare chance since nowadays I would be flat after reaching home from work and class. Remind me why did I sign up to this again? Seriously can't wait for the end of this 9-month journey 

Okay so while spring cleaning, the most dangerous thing is to go through my albums and card/letters box. Mulalah nak start sentimental. 

But I guess a little throwback won't hurt, right? 

Rindu nak duduk 5 minutes away from each other

Rindu nak jogging (read: walking and taking pictures) during the cold winter 

Rindu nak pergi library (and compare kita bawak makanan apa? lol)

Rindu nak kongsi masalah dunia, nak dengar perspektif masing-masing

Rindu nak kejar train, travel and basically spend our weekend together

Indeed, to know each and every one of you is the greatest blessing in Nottingham. 

In hindsight, I can confidently say that He has chosen the perfect place for me during my 3-year degree. Your presence reinforces the fact that He only provides for us in the best way, every single time, mungkin kita je selalu tak perasan, or terlewat nak perasan. I still remember when we were so scared that we couldn't pull through that year, but everything turned out to be just fine alhamdulillah.  

I learned that we don't have to be identically similar to be able to work as a team

In fact, our differences has allowed us to unite in such a unique manner 

Thank you for letting me cross paths with these beautiful souls

Thank you for showing me how to be the bigger person

Thank you for allowing me experience different kind of love languages :P 

Thank you for making me understand the meaning of love and sacrifices

Thank you for being so subtle and soft when I need to improve on something 

No matter how much I miss them and Nottingham, I know it's impossible to relive the moments. 

To all of you and many other people that are very dear to me (you know who you are), may Jannah be the place where we finally meet. Moga kita dapat duduk sama-sama macam dulu but like 1000 times better :) 

May we always be reminded that whatever form of love that we may have experienced up until today, is only a glimpse of His infinite love. 

"Sahabat yang baik ialah wakil kasih sayang Tuhan"

Transition

This is dedicated for you who might be struggling or holding on to the last ounce of strength that you may have to face the uncertainties of tomorrow. 

Do know that you are not alone. 

This is for you, this is for us :)

——————————————————

I ponder a lot on this concept recently

A phase full of self-doubts & feeling of lacking 

But without which, we won’t be growing

And without which, we’d only be stagnating

Transition from a student to an employee

Transition to get used to lose your beloved family 

Transition to adapt with a new surrounding

Transition to deal with situations that are a bit tricky  

It’s normal to feel uncomfortable because you’re not used to it

By all means, aim high and put your 100% to commit

It’s perfectly normal to set a high expectation 

But please remember to show some self-compassion 

Don’t beat yourself up when you mess up 

It’s totally okay to fall short of such expectation, own your mistakes and move on

It’s very humbling (and maybe a little frustrating) to accept that the “best” version of you will still occasionally stumble

Perhaps our flaws exist to remind us to remain humble

Sometimes we can be our own biggest critic

If only we transform such criticisms to a more supportive narrative

Maybe we’ll be a lot steadier and calmer

The key is to learn to be at peace with your own progress
And to accept that we are, after all, only a human

You don’t have to pretend that you’re okay when you’re not

Slow down and notice your feelings

There are no “good” or “bad” feelings

Notice it, deal with it and take small steps every day to improve

“Dealing” doesn’t mean sweeping it under the carpet so it’s out of sight

It will resurface in a much uglier way if we keep on hiding it

Ponder on those feelings to understand, and not to force change 

I know it takes a whole lot of courage to be vulnerable, especially to your own self
But it is such a necessary step for your healing 

To all friends who have been (or are still) in a hard time

Massive kudos for surviving up until this point

Maybe you didn’t notice, but I believe you’ve only been stronger and wiser day by day

“Ujian datang ketika Dia tahu, kita butuh dikuatkan” [Merayakan Kegagalan, Fitriyani Syahrir]

He tries whom He loves, if only we knew :)

May He reward you abundantly for being patient all this while

We don't get to choose where we are going to be placed
Or what lessons He wants to teach
But have faith, as He never intends to hurt
and He is indeed the best to accommodate [Quran 23:29]

After all, 

Our whole life is in itself, a transition

Not just a mere transition, but one that leads to the eternal life

Where the perfection that we often seek really exists

So whatever circumstances that we had to face (or will be facing)

Just hang on a little bit more

Better things are indeed coming

Let's pray about it as much as we think about it :)

Doubts and decision

When I keep bothering my friends with the same question, again and again,

"come on Fatimah, I know you have your answer, right? Just doa ditetapkan hati, okay?"

I hate them because it's too accurate =.= 

But it's true though, sometimes people (me) just want affirmation, 

that it is going to be okay

that I can do it 

I don't want to be shortsighted and run away just because something seems hard. 

If I were to run away from the things that scare me, 

then I would not grow. 

Bismillah

just take that leap of faith and do what you feel is right :) 

p/s: work anniversary is soon..like wow sis you have gone this far (wipes lone tear but yeay more reason to treat myself). 

Testing my patience

When people treat me badly

I have to keep on reminding myself

I shouldn’t be mad 

They are not like that as a response of who i am or what i do 

They are like that because of who they are 

Their actions can only speak volume about themselves

Not me. Certainly not my worth. And not my value 

Hence i remind myself

I only need to respond kindly and not dramatically 

Because only *my response* can define *me*

Not their hurtful actions or words 

I have to assess the subject objectively 

although the words may seem hurtful 

Some people just dont know how to say things nicely

But that does not mean that I can totally dismiss their comments

In this world, I can’t expect everyone to speak my language

This will test your patience, so please be patient, with a beautiful patience

Also when people treat me badly 

It takes courage and so much strength to see beyond their actions and words 

If you look carefully, you’ll find deep scars

Well-hidden behind the attitude that they portray

Those that have never been healed 

Or once healed but then they bleed again for whatever reason

And sometimes i wonder 

To what extent do people deserve second chances? 

But then i suppose, as many times as I would want people to give me. 

"In a year's time"

What a pleasant surprise. 

I was casually checking my mailbox when I read this email. 

I totally forgot that I have written a letter for my future self approximately a year ago. 

It is quite scary how time passes by so quickly

like, this can't possibly be a year ago? 

Only if I could turn back and tell my past self not to worry so much :) 

It could have saved my sanity from overthinking 

The future may seem so much scarier than it actually is. 

It is only normal to feel scared, to feel like you are under prepared

but you can't feel these without doing anything

the key question is what are you doing when you feel inadequate?

You can worry but you also have to work on preparing yourself

you have to balance between feeling scared and also feeling hopeful 

when your attempt to balance them doesn't work, 

remember that you are not alone and you can always seek help :) 

When I wrote this letter, I didn't know what to expect in my post-uni life

although technically i didn't really have any options

I constantly wonder whether this is the best for me 

But you know what? 

the key to most of your worries is just to confront them

take the first step; admit that you are inadequate, 

lower your ego and seek help to improve yourself

your teachers could be your books, the people around you

or even your life story that's meant to teach you lessons

you just have to realise that there is only so much to learn

"when student is ready, the teacher appears". 

A year can do a lot to a person

It is both exciting and scary to think about it

May He always land us at a blessed landing place insyaAllah

Apart from receiving this letter, I've also turned 24. And it's 1st Syawal today :) 

I've few things on my mind to reflect on these two events but first, lets get some sleep. 

Eid Mubarak! 

P/s: Preparing for raya is an extreme sport. May God bless our mothers for all of their effort and unconditional love :'(  i certainly can't imagine living without you. 

Something awakening

"I have some concerns on XX. I'm writing a referral letter for you to follow up, okay?"

Suddenly, I feel like my life flashes before my eyes (dramatic)
and everything else starts to matter less except the answer to this question:
have I actually done enough?

Tried to hold back my tears
but I can feel the warmth of it as it rolled down my cheeks
maybe it's full of words that I'll never speak
breath, cry, let it go

Strength isn't defined as someone who doesn't cry
or as someone who can defy their own feelings
but it's when you can finally admit your weakness and fear
when you're better, get back up again, smile like you always do
make yourself and other people happy, because it makes you forget your own sadness

At this moment, praying to Him never felt more real

Even in this emotional chaos, the heart is at peace knowing that He's there for me
and I know, no love can ever beat His eternal love

I'm grateful for this little experience
it certainly knocks me down
but maybe He knows what I needed when I'm a bit lost
to re-evaluate my life, my decisions and everything in between
to always live my life with a purpose even if sometimes it feels rather empty
I need to take charge and fill it with goodness, with reasons
so I won't regret when I look back at my actions and even inactions.

Because we are living on borrowed time
so what's your reflection?

p/s: funny how the thought of having a little sickness made me ponder upon all these things because with or without this sickness (or any other sickness), my time here is always limited. It's not like I wasn't aware of it, right. Just being forgetful (as always =/ )

Happiness is making other people smile,
Happiness is also knowing that people wouldn't mind going the extra mile to make you smile.
(pls note, it rhymes ok :D)

and for that, I should be really grateful. 

maturity

Kematangan itu
apabila kita mempunyai 1001 sebab untuk marah
tetapi kita masih mampu bersuara secara rasional

Kematangan itu
apabila kita mampu mengetepikan kepentingan diri
demi satu kebaikan yang lebih besar

Kematangan itu
apabila kita benar-benar mampu berlapang dada
ketika diuji untuk menerima sisi kelemahan manusia lain

By all means, 

please validate your feelings- after all, the feelings are created to be felt

but we have to be smart to draw the lines 

between acknowledging your feelings and acting upon it. 

Umrah- Reflection 1.0

As I was looking through the notes I have written on my phone, I stumbled on the prayer list I made for my umrah last year. I had this urge to check whether they have been answered (ngada sangat).

But then, I feel like, "Wow, is it that simple?" Just make a very long list of the things that you want, and sometime in the future, you can recheck it and cross out the things you have now? So is it just merely your bucket list?

I know I should not rush things, but I think that's human nature. Semua nak cepat. Study malam ni, kalau boleh esok nak tengok terus result cemerlang. Such eagerness. I keep on having to tell myself, it's not the same with Him. Yes, of course, we can ask but, we need to acknowledge the fact that the results depend ultimately on Him. 

"Kenapa kita selalu diburu- buru terhadap hasil? Sudah jelas hasil adalah hak Tuhan. Dan terserah bila waktuNya, itu pasti yang terbaik. Mungkin, ini soal keyakinan kamu terhadap percaturanNya" 

Well, on my side, I have indeed not met the all the promises I made to Him. Just wondering, if only He demands and checks on me as I did to Him with my prayer list T.T

There's this one moment that was very... humbling I would say. (learned this in hindsight and some mature thoughts that I gained after umrah, ceh)

You know people always say, try to open the Quran randomly, sometimes the things that you read will be the most relevant to you at that particular moment. So there was I, having such intention- I kinda tell myself  "Ok I wanna try that and read whatever I find first."

I still remember I was sitting in front of the Kaabah, closed my eyes, selected the page in the Quran randomly and when I opened my eyes.. 

I was not happy,

It was not something that I expected

and I even refused to read it initially.

Tadi kau yang nak sangat. Now memilih pula kan

Why? Because I know that ayat. It was our hafazan SPM 

I was hoping to find something novel (applying some trademark law here) 

I wanna experience some "light bulb" moments

I feel like, well there's nothing new to learn from this page, sbb mcm dah tahu (i know, such attitude T.T)

I even thought of skipping that page, "maybe kat page sebelah kot", still trying to comfort myself.

But then, after some time of consideration

I managed to force myself to read it

Maybe it is something He wants to tell me

No harm reading it, really.

24:31

Hits me like a bullet

It's about lowering your gaze & dress code for women

And there I was, feeling way too confident about it

With my limited understanding of how His mysterious plan works

I get to learn that His signs are always there

It's up to us to take it or leave it

Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." (Az Zumar:53) 

Menumpang kasih

Kita, manusia
yang sering lupa
yang selalu rasa kita berkuasa
hakikatnya lemah, tak terdaya

Kita, hamba
tak punya apa
selain nikmat yang diberiNya
dan aib yang tak jemu ditutupNya.

Beruntungnya kita punya Dia
yang memuliakan diri yang hina
yang memimpin dari gelap ke cahaya
yang sentiasa menemani di mana kita berada.

Namun makin lama
makin banyak yang dipinta
making kurang kita beri padaNya
hakikatnya, Dia tak diberi tak mengapa
tapi itu kan tanda kita serius mahukan syurga?

Lalu, soalku pada diri
apa yang kau banggakan
bila semua yang ada, punya Dia
bila semua yang terlihat, bukanlah nyata
dan soalku lagi,
layakkah kau bertepuk tangan berpuas hati?

Kan ada masanya
diri seolah kehilangan kepijakan
mungkin Dia tahu kita alpa
dalam ujian, suka dan duka
pantas Dia terus menyapa

Dan mungkin, Dia tahu kita rindu
seolah olah memberitahu
"Aku ada untukmu,
selalu"

Lalu, di kejauhan malam
dalam pejam dan diam
harapan baru digenggam
tak mahu lagi dihinakan
setelah dimuliakan
tak mahu lagi ke kegelapan
setelah ditemukan cahaya harapan

Bisikku pada diri
tak mengapa kau tak punya apa
tak mengapa kau sering alpa
because He is okay with you stumbling and falling, 
as long as you're trying 

This, she believes, is not a mere fantasy 
but a real struggle that she could foresee 
towards a place where she longs to be
and above all, towards the Almighty

For a flawed person like me
sometimes she finds it tiring and even demanding
but she knows she cant give in
just be the best version that she can be 

And finally, please, make doa for me. 
and may Jannah be the place where we finally meet :) 

Happy-ness?

So the other day i wanted to post something here but failed because I was using my phone and Google gave me gajilions of security questions and decided to turn me down. 

My futile attempt has made me realise that i wasn't able to let go of this blog... yet. Although so many posts have been reverted to draft, it has secured a really special place in my heart. Looking back at my first post dated back in 2011, from updating my life trasition from Wangsa Maju to Bangi,  high school stuffs, artsy and college (not to mention 70% used to be football related lols). Funny how people (read: me) can change. 

"We have been bent and broken, hopefully, into better shapes" 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Having a lot of me-time these days has helped me to think about this concept of attaining happiness in life. In hindsight, when I reflect back on my journey 3-5 years ago, I realised that a lot of my decisions were affected by this one thing- I have always wanted to be happy. Happy by my own definition (as I claim but it’s often shaped by the society’s ._.)

Well, who doesn’t, right? Everyone wants a worry-free life, not being bothered by too many problems and more often than not, a happy life is equated with a perfect life. However, my past (rather few) experiences taught me that there are “things” that will jeopardise my ideal, happy life especially when they decide to give me a little surprise and come in the most unexpected way. 

Hence, I guess the real question that I should be asking myself is- how long do I actually want to be happy? In my opinion, there’s only two kind of happiness- short run and long run. 

Short run happiness, as how I believe, requires little effort- such as staring at the beautiful sunrise in the morning and bumping into your old friends back in primary school (I mean the “close friend” category and not the ones that make you feel awkward )

As opposed to that, long run happiness requires more effort and time in order for you to gain it. Also, the process of attaining it might not be as enjoyable but you do it anyway. A simple example would be students sitting for their exams; the process ain’t fun in its entirety, demands a lot from us but we still find our way around it as we have this end goal in our mind that we want to try our best and achieve that good results. 

When I asked myself earlier- for how long do you actually want to be happy- I didn’t mean that these two categories are mutually exclusive. That means I do not have to choose one over the other- sometimes they might even overlap. What I intended to do was to widen the scope of happiness that I was aiming for. What i wanted to do was to SHIFT my focus- from short term to long term. 

So, for how long do you actually want to be happy, dear self? 

1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 3 years and so on? And how do you even distinguish short & long term? How long does a period need to be to qualify into the latter category? 

Since I cant answer this question, I’m just gonna re-define the category and make them simpler- short term is any period in this wordly life (Dunya) and long term is the period of time in the Hereafter. Sorry for the sudden conclusion but my train of thoughts can’t provide me with any better transition, really. 

Back to the real issue- being happy. When I think about the primary aim of being happy in this life (Dunya), it leads me to another question; Why does our God create a spectrum of feelings, if we were only to experience a sole emotion of happiness? I also have no absolute answer for this, but I believe that all the other feelings- sad, angry, disappointed, fear etc are created for us for specific reasons and it could be necessary for our growth as a human being. 

“We cry, to heal. We feel, to stay human” -Yasmin Mogahed

I don’t know where is this leading- it is an impromptu writing and I have not really thought about it thoroughly- im sorry people if you have read this long 

So maybe, having a mindset to be happy is fine (and we should), but let’s not restrict it to only this world- i think this idea applies better best in the Hereafter.

Hence for the time being, let’s slowly invest our time and effort into this long run happiness “route” where Eternal happiness is promised ❤️

“And the life of this world is nothing but play and amusement. But far better is the house in the hereafter for those who are Al-Muttaqun (the pious). Will you not then understand?” (Quran, Al-An’aam: 32)

That one fine day

Suatu hari nanti,
semuanya kau akan lupa,    
kepenatan, kebosanan, keraguan,
bila kau dapat tahu segala hikmahnya,
kerna dalam penuh kasih sayang Dia merancang.

Dan sekarang,
kau hanya perlu percaya
dan kali ni, betul betul percaya,
yang diberiNya itu hanyalah yang terbaik,
cuma kau perlu belajar meletakkan neraca atas hukumNya.

That one fine day will come
and you'll finally able to say to yourself
"glad that I pulled through!"

Senyuman terukir di bibir,
tapi tak ramai yang tahu,
betapa gundah dan lelah hati ini.

Tak mengapa, Dia ada, Dia tahu,
Selalu.

Selalu orang kata, "syurga itu mahal sekali",
tapi, dengan semua jatuh bangun hidup ni,
kau terjatuh, tergelincir dan terhenti,
terkadang kau tertanya, kenapa semua ini terjadi

Tapi, kau kena tahu, niatNya bukan untuk menzalimi,
Ia hanyalah medan sapaanNya,
semata untuk membersihkan, dan menyayangi.

Kalau kau tak pernah rasa sakit,
macamana kau nak kenal erti sihat?
kalau kau tak pernah rasa sedih,
macamana nak kenal erti bahagia?

Harus kau bekerja kuat melayakkan diri,
walau kaki tak mampu melangkah,
dan wajah tak mampu menipu,
tapi hati harus terus mempercayai,
Kau punya tempat di Sana, bukan di sini.

Selagi kau belum sampai,
kau jangan berhenti lagi.


From me, to me and everyone else who can relate. adios.





                                                                                                                                                

Appreciation

"Jangan pernah letak harapan penghargaan pada seseorang,
sebab manusia memang terlalu lemah untuk beri penghargaan yang seseorang patut dapat"

This statement suddenly reminds me of my college days. I used to get severely affected just because of the work that we did wasn't really recognised by *this someone*. It wasn't the greatest feeling ever when you put so much effort to do something but in the end you felt like you were underappreciated. Only God knows (and perhaps my friends as well) how sad and disappointed I was back then.

But at the end of the day, I started to question myself
So what if we were under appreciated?
So what if people didn't acknowledge the work that we have done? *I think it wasn't that good after all, lol*
Am I here solely to impress them? 

As I was talking to my friend, she reminded me "You have to remember the fact that all of this happened with Allah's permission. Bila kau rasa yang kau tak di-appreciate tu pun, Allah yang susun dalam aturanNya"

It got me thinking, there is something really important that I needed to learn, for He won't test us without any reasons.

Baru sedar, sebenarnya kita tak perlu pun 'dahagakan' penghargaan dari seseorang tu, kalau kita betul- betul tahu the real One yang kita nak impress is not the people here, but the One up there. I'm being hypocritical as I write this because I still crave for people's acknowledgement when I do certain things. I think that is normal, well I *hope* it's normal to feel this way. Nevertheless, now that  I know my priority, hope I can work towards it!

Mungkin hati belum cukup mengenal Dia,
Bila tiap yang dilakukan bukan keranaNya,
Mungkin Dia nak ajar supaya berhenti berharap pada manusia.

I wish someone had told me about this earlier so that I don't have to go through all the dramas, but well I think there are some things that you will never understand until you experience it yourself. Having said that, I'm not claiming i'm all experienced now, perhaps I just began to understand this concept and it overwhelms me so much that I feel the need to share it (I believe in the power of sharing!) Afterall, this is just my two cents, wallahu'alam.

p/s: writing about college days is like writing some sort of ancient history, little did I realise it's only 6 months back!

biasiswa

now it all makes sense when they said  "nanti kalau dapat scholarship, jgn besar kepala" 

mungkin sebab kita mudah lupa.

scholarship tu bukan utk buat kita rasa superior dari org lain
scholarship tu bukan utk kita merendah- rendahkan orang yang tak dapat
scholarship tu juga bukan penanda aras seseorang tu berjaya atau tak

mungkin,

scholarship tu salah satu pintu rezeki, dari beribu- ribu pintu yang lain
scholarship tu salah satu ujian dariNya; to see how we deal with all the blessings God has given us.

 "Jika kau merasa besar, periksa hatimu
  Mungkin ia sedang bengkak

  Jika kau merasa tinggi, periksa batinmu
  Mungkin ia sedang kehilangan pijakan"
-Salim A. Fillah-

Just a reminder for all of us (including me, of course) ; the forgetful ones.

:)

"but how come you've never told me about it earlier?"

and I can feel a part of me starting to break....

Kita selesa, mereka sengsara

If I've learned anything from this book, 
I'd say, 
I've learned that history repeats, 

It is so similar, as if he is still alive today, 
in his vision of eradication, 
by any means, is practiced every single day, 
taking lives that don't even deserve his enmity. 

"Apartheid" wasn't okay in South Africa,
it wasn't okay in Nazi Germany, 
but why is it okay in Palestine? 

If you were now in Hitler's time
during the genocide, 
what would you do, 
to those afflicted and terrorized? 

Just keep quite and be a law abiding citizen?
"let the leaders do their jobs"
well, that's what they said

Little did we know
behind each statistics 
there lies a story, a hope
of a small and harmless girl 
who wishes that one day
the world will see her as she is 
knowing that she did nothing
to deserve their enmity.

Of tanks, planes and missiles, 
Of barren land and fruitless trees,

Of fading screams and global silence.

#SaveGaza 

kecapekan

Tak usah nak kejar benda yang tak pasti,
Rugi

"Belajar putus asa,
dalam mengejar cinta yang tak pasti entah apa hujungnya"