Umrah- Reflection 1.0

As I was looking through the notes I have written on my phone, I stumbled on the prayer list I made for my umrah last year. I had this urge to check whether they have been answered (ngada sangat).

But then, I feel like, "Wow, is it that simple?" Just make a very long list of the things that you want, and sometime in the future, you can recheck it and cross out the things you have now? So is it just merely your bucket list?

I know I should not rush things, but I think that's human nature. Semua nak cepat. Study malam ni, kalau boleh esok nak tengok terus result cemerlang. Such eagerness. I keep on having to tell myself, it's not the same with Him. Yes, of course, we can ask but, we need to acknowledge the fact that the results depend ultimately on Him. 

"Kenapa kita selalu diburu- buru terhadap hasil? Sudah jelas hasil adalah hak Tuhan. Dan terserah bila waktuNya, itu pasti yang terbaik. Mungkin, ini soal keyakinan kamu terhadap percaturanNya" 

Well, on my side, I have indeed not met the all the promises I made to Him. Just wondering, if only He demands and checks on me as I did to Him with my prayer list T.T

There's this one moment that was very... humbling I would say. (learned this in hindsight and some mature thoughts that I gained after umrah, ceh)

You know people always say, try to open the Quran randomly, sometimes the things that you read will be the most relevant to you at that particular moment. So there was I, having such intention- I kinda tell myself  "Ok I wanna try that and read whatever I find first."

I still remember I was sitting in front of the Kaabah, closed my eyes, selected the page in the Quran randomly and when I opened my eyes.. 

I was not happy,

It was not something that I expected

and I even refused to read it initially.

Tadi kau yang nak sangat. Now memilih pula kan

Why? Because I know that ayat. It was our hafazan SPM 

I was hoping to find something novel (applying some trademark law here) 

I wanna experience some "light bulb" moments

I feel like, well there's nothing new to learn from this page, sbb mcm dah tahu (i know, such attitude T.T)

I even thought of skipping that page, "maybe kat page sebelah kot", still trying to comfort myself.

But then, after some time of consideration

I managed to force myself to read it

Maybe it is something He wants to tell me

No harm reading it, really.

24:31

Hits me like a bullet

It's about lowering your gaze & dress code for women

And there I was, feeling way too confident about it

With my limited understanding of how His mysterious plan works

I get to learn that His signs are always there

It's up to us to take it or leave it

Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." (Az Zumar:53) 

Menumpang kasih

Kita, manusia
yang sering lupa
yang selalu rasa kita berkuasa
hakikatnya lemah, tak terdaya

Kita, hamba
tak punya apa
selain nikmat yang diberiNya
dan aib yang tak jemu ditutupNya.

Beruntungnya kita punya Dia
yang memuliakan diri yang hina
yang memimpin dari gelap ke cahaya
yang sentiasa menemani di mana kita berada.

Namun makin lama
makin banyak yang dipinta
making kurang kita beri padaNya
hakikatnya, Dia tak diberi tak mengapa
tapi itu kan tanda kita serius mahukan syurga?

Lalu, soalku pada diri
apa yang kau banggakan
bila semua yang ada, punya Dia
bila semua yang terlihat, bukanlah nyata
dan soalku lagi,
layakkah kau bertepuk tangan berpuas hati?

Kan ada masanya
diri seolah kehilangan kepijakan
mungkin Dia tahu kita alpa
dalam ujian, suka dan duka
pantas Dia terus menyapa

Dan mungkin, Dia tahu kita rindu
seolah olah memberitahu
"Aku ada untukmu,
selalu"

Lalu, di kejauhan malam
dalam pejam dan diam
harapan baru digenggam
tak mahu lagi dihinakan
setelah dimuliakan
tak mahu lagi ke kegelapan
setelah ditemukan cahaya harapan

Bisikku pada diri
tak mengapa kau tak punya apa
tak mengapa kau sering alpa
because He is okay with you stumbling and falling, 
as long as you're trying 

This, she believes, is not a mere fantasy 
but a real struggle that she could foresee 
towards a place where she longs to be
and above all, towards the Almighty

For a flawed person like me
sometimes she finds it tiring and even demanding
but she knows she cant give in
just be the best version that she can be 

And finally, please, make doa for me. 
and may Jannah be the place where we finally meet :)