As I was looking through the notes I have written on my phone, I stumbled on the prayer list I made for my umrah last year. I had this urge to check whether they have been answered (ngada sangat).
But then, I feel like, "Wow, is it that simple?" Just make a very long list of the things that you want, and sometime in the future, you can recheck it and cross out the things you have now? So is it just merely your bucket list?
I know I should not rush things, but I think that's human nature. Semua nak cepat. Study malam ni, kalau boleh esok nak tengok terus result cemerlang. Such eagerness. I keep on having to tell myself, it's not the same with Him. Yes, of course, we can ask but, we need to acknowledge the fact that the results depend ultimately on Him.
"Kenapa kita selalu diburu- buru terhadap hasil? Sudah jelas hasil adalah hak Tuhan. Dan terserah bila waktuNya, itu pasti yang terbaik. Mungkin, ini soal keyakinan kamu terhadap percaturanNya"
Well, on my side, I have indeed not met the all the promises I made to Him. Just wondering, if only He demands and checks on me as I did to Him with my prayer list T.T
There's this one moment that was very... humbling I would say. (learned this in hindsight and some mature thoughts that I gained after umrah, ceh)
You know people always say, try to open the Quran randomly, sometimes the things that you read will be the most relevant to you at that particular moment. So there was I, having such intention- I kinda tell myself "Ok I wanna try that and read whatever I find first."
I still remember I was sitting in front of the Kaabah, closed my eyes, selected the page in the Quran randomly and when I opened my eyes..
I was not happy,
It was not something that I expected
and I even refused to read it initially.
Tadi kau yang nak sangat. Now memilih pula kan
Why? Because I know that ayat. It was our hafazan SPM
I was hoping to find something novel (applying some trademark law here)
I wanna experience some "light bulb" moments
I feel like, well there's nothing new to learn from this page, sbb mcm dah tahu (i know, such attitude T.T)
I even thought of skipping that page, "maybe kat page sebelah kot", still trying to comfort myself.
But then, after some time of consideration
I managed to force myself to read it
Maybe it is something He wants to tell me
No harm reading it, really.
24:31
Hits me like a bullet
It's about lowering your gaze & dress code for women
And there I was, feeling way too confident about it
With my limited understanding of how His mysterious plan works
I get to learn that His signs are always there
It's up to us to take it or leave it
Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." (Az Zumar:53)
